"They say I had nothing to do with breaking down the Wall," David Hasselhoff announced to a capacity crowd at the Indig02 arena in London last March. "But it is proven! That I single! Handedly! Went through! The Wall!"
As the audience cheered, Hasselhoff kicked down a miniature Berlin Wall, and then burst into his most famous pop hit (at least in Germany), the 1989 single "Looking For Freedom." It was, like almost everything Hasselhoff does, simultaneously transcendent and cringingly stupid. The tiny Berlin Wall replica was like something out of This Is Spinal Tap. But if there was anything funny about Hasselhoff bursting through a styrofoam symbol of 20th century communism, nobody in the crowd acknowledged it. They cheered and danced and pumped their fists unironically. Even when Hasselhoff dressed up like a Nazi to do an out-of-context song from the Mel Brooks musical The Producers, the audience was right there with him, laughing on cue at every punchline.
The show was a perfect summation of Hasselhoff's almost 40-year career. There were embarrassing moments, triumphant moments, scantily clad women for no apparent reason, and the critics hated it. ("This was one of the weirdest shows I’ve ever witnessed," noted a review in the London Evening Standard.) The only missing highlight was a drunken and shirtless Hasselhoff sloppily eating a cheeseburger on the floor of a Vegas hotel. But he can hardly be blamed for not wanting to remind fans about that unpleasant memory.
Love him or hate him, you have to acknowledge just how remarkable Hasselhoff's meteoric rise has been. During the 1970s and ’80s, he was just another mildly handsome soap opera star who achieved minor fame with a TV drama about a talking car. But by the ’90s, he was bigger than Jesus. Literally. The global population of Christians is approximately 2.1 billion, and according to the distributors of Baywatch, the syndicated hour-long drama about well-endowed Californian lifeguards that ruled the airwaves for most of the 1990s, the show reached a staggering audience of 2.4 billion. So it's a toss-up whether Hasselhoff or Jesus Christ had a bigger global following. The 21st century hasn't been as kind to the former pop culture king of kings, but Hasselhoff has refused to go gentle into that good night. Whether he's appeared in tabloids or whatever reality show or movie-of-the-week that'll have him, he's somehow remained in the public eye. And on June 1st, he stars (as himself) in big-screen shlock splatter sequel Piranha 3DD.
I called Hasselhoff in Vancouver, Canada, where he was filming a new movie called The Christmas Consultant for the Lifetime channel. "I dress up like a Christmas elf," he said. "After I'm done talking to you, I'll be barking orders at kids all day." He was equal parts silly and protective, self-effacing and self-protective, eager to laugh at himself and the first to rise to his own defense. Talking to Hasselhoff brings out a weird mix of emotions. Sometimes you want to laugh at him, sometimes you want to laugh with him, and sometimes you want to put a finger over his mouth and plead with him, "You don't want to go down this road. Trust me, it isn't going to end well."
Men’s Health: You had a crab named after you this year.
David Hasselhoff: I did. They called it the "Hoff Crab." I think it's quite an honor to be named for a crab. As you know, one crab dies and ten thousand crabs come to their funeral. I'm in very loyal company.
Men’s Health: I had no idea. Is that true? Crabs have funerals?
David Hasselhoff: I think so, yeah.
Men’s Health: How'd you find out that your name was being given to a crab? Did the researchers call you, or did you hear about it secondhand?
David Hasselhoff: I heard about it on the news. I think it was CNN or something crazy. When I finally saw a picture of it, I laughed pretty hard. It's white and it's got a hairy chest. I remember thinking, this Hoff thing is getting out of control.
Men’s Health: It is interesting that they named it the Hoff and not Hasselhoff. The Hoff has become your evil, slightly more famous doppelgänger.
David Hasselhoff: Oh definitely. The Hoff eclipses David Hasselhoff almost everywhere I go now. They point at me and go, "It's the Hoff!" And then they'll say, "Don't hassle the Hoff!" This whole Hoff thing wasn't even my idea. It's something that started nine years ago by some secretaries in Australia.
Men’s Health: Is that true?
David Hasselhoff: You haven't heard this?
Men’s Health: I had no idea. Please explain.
David Hasselhoff: I got an email from one of these women, asking me, "How does it feel to be a sex symbol at 50?" Apparently there was a viral epidemic of emails going back and forth between secretaries in Australia. They were sharing all of these Hoffisms. You know, stuff like "Desperate Hoffwives" and "Some Like it Hoff" and "The Hoffice" and "Take It Hoff." Every play on words you could imagine. I thought, well that's kind of funny. So I went on television in Australia and I was talking about the whole phenomenon and I said, like I was talking to the secretaries, "I have a saying for you. Don't hassle the Hoff!" And that's when it all blew up and went crazy.
Men’s Health: Does it ever bother you?
David Hasselhoff: Bother me how?
Men’s Health: You said the Hoff sometimes eclipses David Hasselhoff. That must feel unfair. You do all the work and the Hoff gets all the glory.
David Hasselhoff: I let it go, because it brings me a lot of Internet awareness and commercials. They hire the Hoff, they don't hire David Hasselhoff. I'm not an idiot. I follow the Hoff train, and the Hoff train goes all over the world. It's a lot of fun, and it reaches a widespread audience. They're very enthusiastic, and sometimes a little crazy.
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